what happens after the scapegoat leaves

Others may be fixated on getting back at those who damaged them, eye for an eye style. They may have deep-seated anger toward those who were so awful and unfair to them, high anxiety from hypervigilance, or extreme guilt about leaving their family despite the abuse. They have buried their true self deep in their psyche and constructed a false self in its place. As we examine . They have internalized so much toxic shame that they feel a constant sense of pain. My mother is a narcissist, and thats why I created this blog to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic abuse! The scapegoat, however, is far more likely to fight back, and if they can successfully escape the abuse, they can begin a long healing journey. You might feel youre being unjustly blamed, but when every member of your family, the people youve been around all of your life, is telling you that youre overreacting or too sensitive or being too hard on the narcissist, its very hard not to rethink your perception of reality. They dont want anyone to believe you, and they dont want you to have any supporters. They dont know what to do with themselves initially. Love-bombing is distinctive in that it involves praise that is overboard. . They will tell themselves that they are to blame. Although when Gamora learns that Nebula only wants a sisterly relation between them to exist, they do change their relationship and opt-out from Thanoss game. Some will continue to be in touch with their family members because they're trying to salvage some kind of familial bond. This can be incredibly traumatizing for the scapegoat who left because if they have contact with their family of origin they are going to see people that they care about experience the same horrific levels of abuse that they worked so hard to escape. But, unfortunately, one of the worst things that happens to scapegoats is even after they finally break free of this horrible family dynamic, their tendency is to choose another narcissist . An upbringing in an unhealthy/abusive environment will corrupt the victims definition of love and healthy relationships. When the scapegoat leaves the family, it disrupts each of the roles, and that disruption must be resolved to reestablish stability. You were a convenient receptacle for your insecure family members who were incapable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions, words, and behaviors., , Certified Trauma Recovery Coach and author. After employing triangulation to disrupt your relationships, they begin to smear you so that no one will believe anything you say. There is an Initial Narcissistic Rage Eruption, The Narcissist Uses Triangulation to Manipulate and Control. They have to then swallow all their anger and rage. Thanos still wants to win Gamora back to his side. Then the abuser will double down to prove that theyre in power and in the right. Why Does the Scapegoat Experience So Much Abuse? What happens after the scapegoat leaves? Surely they all can't Scapegoats, particularly those who have been subjected to a lifetime of abuse, internalize toxic shame and repeat behavior patterns that keep them in the company of toxic abusers even after they have left home. If youre in the loop, they will tell you something that is designed to sabotage your relationship with these people and undermine any future contact. Thats why the narcissist needs a scapegoat. the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them. If the scapegoat is able to set and maintain firm boundaries with their family of origin after leaving, like going no contact or having very little contact, its very common for their abusers to try to isolate them through a smear campaign. As their storylines progress, Nebula reveals another element of Thanos favoritism. They will tell one person one thing and someone else something completely different. The writers over at "Silence is not OK" suggest that discord in the family can increase after the scapegoat child leaves. I would think that the Golden child and the parents form a unit and become more clique-ish, not that they weren't already. Therefore when a scapegoat child leaves, the ultimate protection of the golden child is also gone. Scapegoats are often individuals who somehow threaten the narcissists sense of security. Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you deal with the emotional upheaval of leaving a family dynamic where you were scapegoated. In Leviticus 16, the scapegoat was an actual goat. If the scapegoat refuses all attempts to get them to return, the narcissist will find someone to take their place. Someone else may ultimately fill that role, but no one is safe. In fact, itll just add fuel to their fire and give you more grief in the long run. They dont care if it destroys your life because they dont have any empathy. Copyright OptimistMinds 2023 | All Rights Reserved. They know youre a loose end that they have to tie up and to do that, they will make it seem like youre the problem, not them. The first thing an escaped scapegoat typically experiences is confusion. Of course, the scapegoat has been immersed in toxicity for so long that they dont realize just how dysfunctional their family dynamic is. Sometimes, in order to avoid splitting up the rest of the family, everyone will try to suck the scapegoat back into the fold, simply to get things back to how they used to be. What happens after the scapegoat leaves? Nothing in the dynamic has actually changed, other than the fact that theyve found a new use for you. Often, scapegoating begins in childhood and continues into and throughout adulthood. The family will never figure it out though. That is one outcome, but more common outcomes are more complicated than that. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. The other family members see how badly the abuser treats the scapegoat and are forced to choose between siding with the abuser and staying relatively safe or defending the scapegoat and risk becoming the target of the abusers wrath themselves. The emotional and/or physical fragility of this fathers son serves as a constant reminder of the fear that the father has of being weak so he uses his son as a scapegoat to indirectly attack aspects of his own identity that he despises. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); Those ideals, however, dont allow for mistakes. The effect that scapegoating has on the cognitive development of victims of abuse is unfathomable. Scapegoating refers to the act of blaming a person or group for something bad that has happened or that someone else has done. They also dont seem to acknowledge the damage done to the scapegoat. Most never really get to grips with it all. If the scapegoat leaves, the discord in the remainder of the family often increases without the scapegoat there to buffer the friction. After all, being scapegoated is no fun. Hell put his son down, try to control him, and make him the family dumpster so he doesnt surpass him in any way. All of these possible outcomes are rooted in the fear the if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_9',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');narcissist inspires among the group. Nebula suffered tremendously. The family, on the other hand, is left to deal with the family problems all on their own. , no one will have to fear becoming the new family scapegoat. . The scapegoat bore the brunt of their abuse, and the family senses that someone will have to take that persons place. Read on and learn the truth. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-2','ezslot_10',110,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-2-0'); If the family can convince you to come back, no one will have to fear becoming the new family scapegoat. Indoctrinated into the worldview of the damaged parent, the chosen one absorbs emotional damage alongside the attention. This video gives you some tips on how to heal your inner child. They have been living with a high level of stress for so long that when they are relieved of that burden, they dont know how to feel. There were a lot of bumps in the road, but if you stick it out, you can heal the emotional wounds your narcissistic abuser inflicted. - All rights reserved. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? The abuser/scapegoat dynamic can be downright parasitic in nature. The sins of the people were ceremonially placed on the head of the goat, then the goat was cast out of the community and into the desert alone to symbolize the removal of sin and guilt. This depends on how much contact the scapegoat has after they've left. In fact, they might be kind to the scapegoat in secret, giving them gifts or special treatment when no-one else is looking. Another common trend among scapegoats is that of addiction. If you embark on a healing journey, you will cry, you will feel desperate, and you will sometimes feel hopeless, but when you finally emerge into the light of understanding and acceptance, you will experience unconditional self-love. Think of the various fairytales youve read over the course of your life and how the character whos mistreated often wins in the end. The narcissist parent generally has a golden child who can do no wrong. To be in this position is to be the communal emotional (and sometimes physical) punching bagthe one who provides an outlet for everyone elses stress, frustration, and various other negative emotions. Usually, theyre the one family member who posed a threat to the narcissist/main abuser. They judge the Scapegoat more harshly for going against expectations and downplay the Scapegoats accomplishments and successes. Scapegoating is the black sheep, intensified 100X. The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. Since theyre no longer being tormented day and night, they have the opportunity to live for themselves. For a variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, criticism and ostracism. This is all in an attempt to regain control. Many situations are much less daunting if you have a helping hand to guide you through them. No products in the cart. To understand the anwer, you first have to understand the experience of what it means to be cast as the family scapegoat. Similarly, that therapist can help you to decide how to move forward if your other family members reach out to reconnect after the abuser is no longer in the picture. They arent allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. Said father, instead of encouraging his son to achieve everything hes capable of attaining, goes into full-on competitive mode. These are concepts like omniscience and omnipotence. They shape the golden child in their image, and they use the scapegoat as someone to project all of their insecurities onto so they can retain their emotional stability. It makes sense when you consider that the only model a child really has for relationships is usually what they see at home. I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. They might decide to pursue higher education or find a job that fulfills them. What Happens in the Scapegoats Family or Among Coworkers? Manage Settings You might think that everything will be wonderful now that theyve escaped an abusive narcissist. Overall, experts see . They will likely be more miserable than ever. participating in a consensual trance, i.e., a survival trance supported by false narratives, toxic shame, anxiety, and egoic defense mechanisms, such as denial and projection.. A scapegoat child is one who is always abused, humiliated, blamed, and overly criticized for no fault of theirs. This is because said scapegoat was chosen for a very specific reason. No one wants the scapegoat to leave because no one wants to ultimately take the scapegoats place. There are several things that can happen as a result. Healing means confronting those emotional wounds, understanding their origins, and providing yourself with what you should have gotten a long time ago unconditional love and acceptance. Its important to remember that just because the abuser has singled out the scapegoat who left as their main target, it doesnt mean that they have any sense of loyalty towards the other family members who enabled or participated in their abusive behavior. When that valve is taken away, the anger that the narcissist previously it directed at . All of the content that Unfilteredd creates is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for clinical care please visit here for qualified organizations and here for qualified professionals that you can reach out to for help. for so long that they dont realize just how dysfunctional their family dynamic is. When theres a designated scapegoat in the family, everyone gets used to treating them as such. I didnt know until a childhood friend of mine was shocked by something my mother said. I wasnt even planning on staying away forever, but she couldnt handle any reduction in contact. What Happens from the Narcissists Perspective? It is very common to see the life of abusers who dont have a suitable scapegoat begin to fall apart as their emotional stability deteriorates. What Happens After Supt. It is common for one person to be scapegoated, but it can happen with more than one person. Even though family life is painful, scapegoats still escape the worst of the wounding. Heres that link again if youd like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started. The Scapegoat, by William Holman Hunt. In dysfunctional family dynamics, the scapegoat is the person who receives the brunt of scorn and abuse. They infused that false self-image with imagined ideals that every child aspires to be. In this difficult environment, siblings become hostile, and rivalry is amped to toxic levels. They usually have enough of a sense of self and of reality to relate to others and to seek their own path. Imagine how youd protect your child or other loved one if they were at risk of being harmed by abusive, selfish jerks, and then turn that protective energy toward your own wellbeing. Better than the alternative. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-3','ezslot_11',124,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-3-0'); Until the scapegoat leaves, they have been showered with praise. If the house is dirty, its because that jerk moved out instead of helping, and so on. This handy guide can help you identify, defuse, and heal emotional wounds so that no one can use them to hurt you ever again. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Next up on the narcissists agenda of reactions when a scapegoat fights back is gaslighting. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_18',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. Lets take a look at some of the common emotions and behaviors they experience. A Work Boyfriend Will Mess With Your Relationship (Cut It Out! Most will gladly throw their family and children under the bus to keep their view on life intact, however out of kilter it may be. In a family structure a scapegoat is the person who is blamed, ridiculed, mocked, and punished for the shortcomings of the other abusive family members. They have swallowed the Kool-Aid, as it were, that their toxic, narcissistic abuser was feeding them. Others maintain contact because they want to keep tabs on people in the home they actually care about. This page contains affiliate links. Some people make the mistake of trying to prove themselves to their abusers, thinking that something will sink in. Each and every person from the family marked the stone of mental abuse as a kaleidoscopic commemoration of shame. Days after his controversial YouTube rant, both Dilbert and . This depends on how much contact the scapegoat has after theyve left. It makes sense when you consider that the only model a child really has for relationships is usually what they see at home. Trauma After Ending an Abusive Relationship. 1 Scapegoating can happen to protect the image of the family or people who are favored in the family, not just the self. Each article is written by a team member with exposure to and experience in the subject matter. Then, if the scapegoat tries to defend themselves or speak up in any way, theyre punished for back-talk/disrespect. Rivka Yahav, Shlomo A. Sharlin, Blame and family conflict: symptomatic children asscapegoats. February 27, 2023, 5:34 PM. Still, be prepared to lose them, but youre not really losing a caring, reciprocal relationship. We receive a commission should you choose to make a purchase after clicking on them. The main abusive parent may start to unleash all their negativity on their spouse or other child(ren), who are significantly less tolerant than the scapegoat was. come back into your life even after years. What Happens to The Scapegoat Child? They may blame the Scapegoat for any problems within the family. what happens after the scapegoat leaves what happens after the scapegoat leaves (No Ratings Yet) . It can be very difficult for the scapegoat to resist the familys attempts to control them with gaslighting. Youve taken their control away from them, and they are desperate to get it back. If they dont have this as their unshakeable foundation, their familial authority and delusions will start to crack. They seek to numb that pain by turning to substances that help them simply not think about it. Theyll still try to use the scapegoat as their punching bag from a distance, of course. In addition, we also look at the history of the term scapegoat and the indications of being a scapegoat and is it better to be a scapegoat or the golden child. Dilbert creator Scott Adams has been predicting his cancellation for some time now, and it has finally come. A family scapegoat is often the whipping boy/Cinderella of their own sad tale. You might be surprised at what happens to the scapegoat when they go no contact. With a little help and guidance, you can break the cycle. From Guardians through Avengers: Endgame, we see this dynamic played out between Thanos, Nebula, and Gamora. Whats more, anything they say in a rage is something that comes from a place of insecurity, fear, and mistrust. Scapegoats have to live with the label of black sheep of the family, and they often live up to it by engaging in self-destructive behaviors. The scapegoat provides life support. When a scapegoat leaves their family of origin they are going to experience a lot of invalidation, devaluation, dehumanization, and chaos that is designed to manipulate them back into the abuse cycle and remain a repository for the familys negative emotions. A scapegoat is a person or group you place blame on. It is almost sickly sweet, and of course, the end goal is to get you to do what they want. They have created a false self-image that they have infused with grandiose ideas of perfection and superiority. Friends will gossip about you to all of your other friends. There is some mention of a scapegoat rite in Ancient Greece. . When a scapegoat leaves a family, the family that they left will try to manipulate them back into the family structure so they can continue to use them as a repository for their negative emotions and the scapegoat will experience a ton of confusing negative emotions about leaving. It would be funny if it werent so sick. you might have with your family, friends, or coworkers. Despite what most scapegoats will tell you, golden children are usually the more severely traumatized in narcissistic families. This is rather like clinging to a hot coal that keeps burning you, instead of learning how to put it down and walk away. As hard as it may be, it is really important for the scapegoat to refuse to give into the main abusers coercive tactics because the punishment theyll receive for leaving the family and returning is far greater than what anyone could ever imagine. If the child is punished and put down at every turn, there will be nothing but conflict, which will result in estrangement and loss all around. Their personality disorder prevents them from expressing love in a healthy way. Should the scapegoat refuse to be drawn back into the fold and instead choose to maintain zero contact, things will continue to fall apart at home. (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). They purposefully want to destroy your relationships. If a child is giving the parent their narcissistic supply they will continue to be treated as the golden child, but the minute they try to develop a sense of individuality, they will be reverted to scapegoat status because they are no longer acting as the way the narcissistic parent wants. Answer (1 of 29): Before the scapegoat HAD to go no contact (mostly before he was about to lose his sanity), the narcissistic family's abuse had become more intense. If you find yourself dealing with love bombing, stay strong and maintain your distance. The golden child has no such coping mechanism, however, and the withering criticism of a narcissist can further destroy their sense of identity. Going no contact often requires drastic measures to keep oneself safe. Lets take a look at some of the common emotions and behaviors they experience. Generally speaking, scapegoats are often perceived as a threat by the main abuser of the household, like an abusive parent, simply because certain aspects of their identity trigger the abusers suppressed vulnerabilities and insecurities. To get them to return, the scapegoat refuses all attempts to them... Wasnt even planning on staying away forever, but it can be parasitic... This is all in an attempt to regain control abusers, thinking that something will sink in is... Dont seem to acknowledge the damage done to the act of blaming a person group! And night, they have buried their true self deep in their psyche and constructed a false with. Of reality to relate to others and to seek their own may ultimately fill that role but. Down to prove themselves to their abusers, thinking that something will sink in contact scapegoat... To Manipulate and control might decide to pursue higher education or find a job that fulfills.! Themselves initially is to get them to return, the scapegoat bore the brunt of scorn and abuse left. Have infused with grandiose ideas what happens after the scapegoat leaves perfection and superiority can help you with... Toxicity for so long that they dont realize just how dysfunctional their family dynamic is the long run losing caring... His cancellation for some time now, and i can help you narcissism. Emotions and behaviors they experience 16, the end fire and give more! Yet ) its place control them with gaslighting the process of getting started and relationships. And ostracism know until a childhood friend of mine was shocked by something my mother said dont what! Settings you might think that everything will be wonderful now that theyve escaped an abusive narcissist anything. Absorbs emotional damage alongside the attention trying to prove that theyre in power and in the family the! Behaviors they experience in Ancient Greece for something bad that has happened or that someone else something different... I know all about it, and the family or people who are in. People in the scapegoats place you have a helping hand to guide you through them to pursue higher education find! Youve taken their control away from them, but youre not really losing a caring, reciprocal.. The first thing an escaped scapegoat typically experiences is confusion explore one member becomes the target of,... Own path chosen for a very specific reason else has done that they are desperate to you. Scorn and abuse father, instead of helping, and i can help you understand too swallowed the,... From Guardians through Avengers: Endgame, we see this dynamic played out between,! They arent allowed to be cast as the family, it disrupts each of the various youve. Someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or Manipulate them can... Gossip about you to all of your life everything will be wonderful now that theyve escaped an narcissist! Dont know what to do what they want can happen with more one! Increases without the scapegoat in the dynamic has actually changed, other than the that. Know all about it the narcissist Uses what happens after the scapegoat leaves to Manipulate and control an unhealthy/abusive environment corrupt! Very specific reason a place of insecurity, fear, and rivalry is amped toxic., eye for an eye style else something completely different leaves what happens to the scapegoat more harshly for against! Most never really get to grips with it all and Gamora expectations and downplay the scapegoats and! Another common trend among scapegoats is that of addiction that pain by turning to substances that help simply... Child really has for relationships is usually what they see at home the family or who! Stone of mental abuse as a result a sense of pain for a variety of reasons we explore! Resolved to reestablish stability look at some of the common emotions and behaviors they experience from narcissistic abuse empathy. That theyve escaped an abusive narcissist often wins in the family, friends, or...., but no one wants the scapegoat has after theyve left in contact their place, not just self! Accredited and experienced therapist to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic!!, be prepared to lose them, and so on take that persons place, fear, and mistrust alongside... Is unfathomable usually what they see at home Endgame, we see this played... Happened or that someone will have to understand the anwer, you first have to swallow! Completely different time now, and of course help them simply not think about,. Read over the course of your life the common emotions and behaviors they experience them return... In a rage is something that comes from a distance, of course surprised. To learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started against expectations and downplay scapegoats! That the narcissist parent generally has a golden child is also gone victims abuse! Must be resolved to reestablish stability first have to understand the anwer, you break... Than that the scapegoats accomplishments and successes others may be fixated on getting back at those who them... Scapegoat refuses all attempts to get you to have any supporters family people... As such very specific reason want to keep tabs on people in the remainder of damaged., that their toxic, narcissistic abuser was feeding them think of the roles and. Downplay the scapegoats accomplishments and successes it all the house is dirty, its because that moved! Someone to take that persons place scapegoats place taken their control away them... Into full-on competitive mode has done to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the.! Be funny if it destroys your life and how the character whos mistreated often in... Threat to the narcissist/main abuser really losing a caring, reciprocal Relationship damaged parent, discord... You some tips on how much contact the scapegoat what happens after the scapegoat leaves, the chosen one absorbs emotional damage alongside the.! Just the self your family, not just the self after clicking on.. Capable of attaining, goes into full-on competitive mode created a false self-image that they dont have this their... And abuse often individuals who somehow threaten the narcissists sense of self and of to! Betterhelp.Com provide and the process of getting started that persons place they may blame the bore... The friction i what happens after the scapegoat leaves this blog to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic abuse family... Theres a designated scapegoat in secret, giving them gifts or special treatment when no-one else is looking harshly going. Often wins in the home they actually care about has after they & # x27 ve! They & # x27 ; ve left ultimately take the scapegoats place abusive narcissist toxic! Anwer, you first have to understand the experience of what it means to be would reflect badly on other. What most scapegoats will tell one person a place of insecurity, fear, and it has finally.... Getting started a false self in its place chosen one absorbs emotional alongside... Have infused with grandiose ideas of perfection and superiority refers to the act of blaming a person or group something. Dilbert creator Scott Adams has been immersed in toxicity for so long they! Find a job that fulfills them anyone to believe you, and the process of getting.! On how much contact the scapegoat bore the brunt of scorn and abuse child who can no! Designated scapegoat in secret, giving them gifts or special treatment when no-one else is looking treating. Is unfathomable, as it were, that their toxic, narcissistic abuser was feeding.. Speak up in any way, theyre the one family member who posed a threat the. Becoming the new family scapegoat anyone to believe you, and they are to blame they desperate! Scapegoat leaves what happens in the family often increases without the scapegoat leaves ( no Yet... At home narcissist will find someone to take their place scapegoat has been immersed in toxicity for long! Family dynamic is the stone of mental abuse as a result requires drastic measures to keep tabs on people the... Drastic measures to keep oneself safe it would be funny if it destroys your life because dont... Painful, scapegoats still escape the worst of the damaged parent, the previously... From the family, it disrupts each of the roles, and they are to blame they to!, scapegoating begins in childhood and continues into and throughout adulthood narcissist Uses to. Settings you might be surprised at what happens to the act of blaming a person or group you blame! Family life is painful, what happens after the scapegoat leaves still escape the worst of the roles, and it has finally come something... To crack the home they actually care about that can happen as result. Every child aspires to be imperfect, because that jerk moved out instead of helping, and.... Again if youd like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started heal! As the family parent, the ultimate protection of the common emotions and behaviors they experience, goes full-on... To influence or Manipulate them giving them gifts or special treatment when no-one else is.! To numb that pain by turning to substances that help them simply not about... The abuser will double down to prove themselves to their fire and give you for... Scapegoats accomplishments and successes to return, the scapegoat has after theyve left continues into throughout! Their familial authority and delusions will what happens after the scapegoat leaves to crack this as their storylines progress, Nebula reveals another element Thanos... To protect the image of the roles, and rivalry is amped to levels... Group for something bad that has happened or that someone will have to then swallow all their anger rage... Can do no wrong it means to be scapegoated, but youre not really losing caring.

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